Moving On
by xwordsinmymindx
Summary: Five years have passed since Cell's defeat and Goku's death. A fifteen year-old Gohan is having trouble coming to terms with the fact that his father will not be returning any time soon.
1. Chapter 1

Gohan sat in his bed room, eyes focused on homework. The sounds of the house poured through the closed door. His mother hummed quietly while preparing lunch and his younger brother sat in the hallway, banging wooden cars together and making crashing sounds. Gohan's foot tapped impatiently. There would be no focusing this afternoon. It would be five years today. Five years since Cell was defeated and he lost his father. Everyone knew. Everyone remembered. But no one would say anything. His mother, he assumed, would not want to upset Goten. The four year-old boy was too young to understand what had happened. Gohan, however, had experienced the day first hand. It was not one he wanted to relive.

The half-saiyan moved to his bed, legs crossed and eyes closed. Meditation, Piccolo had taught him, was the best way to keep your emotions in check. Today of all days it would be important to swallow his emotions. If he knew his mother, she was going to pretend nothing was wrong. Her smile would not fade while Goten was around. The only way he was going to be able to handle himself today was with preparation. Clearing his mind would be easier said than done.

The boys mind rang with his father's voice. "You put up a good fight Gohan." He drew in a long breath. "I'm proud of you." He had to focus on his energy. "Take care of your mother for me." His mind needed to be clear."She needs you." Goku's voice was a ghostly record, broken and stuck on repeat. Each breath in or out led to a forced memory. He remembered it so well, as if it had just happened. Sometimes it felt like he was away training and would be back any day. Gohan's clenched fists would not help him calm down but maybe it would drive the memory away. He had to get rid of it peacefully

There was a small knock at the door.

"Mommy says lunch is ready Gohan!"

Goten. His kid brother couldn't see him upset. He had to push away any emotion if only for the sake of his family.

"I'll be right there sport."

Gohan took one last deep breath before pasting a smile onto his face and joining his family for lunch.

"It's about time You've been stuck in that room of yours all day." His mother greeted him but would not look him in the eye. She set a bowl at Gohan's place at the table and went back to washing dishes.

"I was studying." It was believable enough. Though he continued to train, this time of peace had been used primarily to focus on his studies. According to Chichi, he had missed a lot of opportunities while saving the world. It was time to catch up.

"What'd you do this morning Goten?"

The four year-olds face lit up. "Played cars!"

"Cars huh? That sounds like loads of fun."

"Uh-huh." Goten shoved a clump of noodles into mouth, legs swinging under the table.

Chichi continued to clean in silence, a grin revealing the wrinkles around her eyes. Why was today harder? After five years, one would assume Goku's absence would begin to feel normal. But the fifth anniversary simply reiterated what they already knew. Goku wasn't coming back anytime soon.

Gohan couldn't help but glance at the empty chair his father would have sat in. He realized no one had touched it since. It was only a chair. Why did they care? He swirled the rice around with his chopsticks.

The meal continued with weak conversation. Gohan would ask his brother a question and the young boy would launch into a story about his adventures with Trunks. Gohan nodded at the right moments but his mind was far from Goten's stories. His eye lingered on the chair, wondering what would be happening if his dad was still around. They would train more and go fishing like they used to. Maybe even with Goten. "Go out there and win this one for me, okay? Then we can all go home." That's what he had said five years ago. But he was wrong. Goku's words echoed in his head. He had won but it had happened too late. Ego had gotten the best of him and now his father was gone.

"Right Gohan?" Goten's voice was raised as if it was the second time he asked.

"What? Uh, yeah! Sure. Whatever you say."Goten smiled.

"Trunks and I are gonna play today but his daddy is gonna show him about kicking first."

This wasn't going to work. The memory of the day was too distracting. It was now that he noticed the pain in his hand. The demi-saiyans finger nails had been driven into his palm and rubbed the skin raw. For five years Gohan had managed to keep his anger under control. A single day was not supposed to push him over the edge. Goten was so happy. So unaware. He was so young but he had never questioned where is father was. Why did he think they had an empty chair at the table? Why did he think Trunks had Vegeta but they had no one? Why was Trunks being taught 'about kicking' when Goten didn't even know how to fish? The young boy sat there without a father and it was Gohan's fault.

He stood up clumsily, bumping the table. If he didn't leave soon his emotions were going to get the best of him.

"I've got a school thing. Study group. I'll be back." It was a lame excuse. Chichi would be skeptical but he only needed Goten to believe him. The half-saiyan placed his uneaten food on the counter and headed for the door.

"Gohan," His mother turned toward him, concern in her eyes but a smile on her face. She was not going to stop him or tell him to clean his dishes first. Chichi's eyes finally met her son's. "Be careful."

He placed a hand on the doorknob and nodded. As he exited Goten shouted a goodbye but the dark haired boy did not respond. With the door closed his face hardened. He had once been terrified to be left alone. As a child, loneliness and loss were his greatest fears. Now time on his own, time to think, was exactly what he needed.

One foot pushed off the grass and launched him into the air. He knew where he was going. The area surrounding their house was abandoned nature. No villages or people were near. If he could just be alone for a second he could calm himself down and return home. All he needed was a peaceful place to meditate and he would be okay. He could control his emotions.

It did not take long to reach his destination as the flight had become familiar. Between the rocks and trees was an open field. A waterfall dumped into a stream. The memories of this space were numerous. This was where Goku would take him fishing. This was where they swam together. There was no guilt or fear here.

Gohan sat himself at the edge of the water. Two holes in the earth were still apparent. If they were not catching fish with their bare hands, the father and son would bring rods and dig them into the ground. After all these years the holes stayed where they were, waiting to be used again. _Don't hold your breath._

Once again, the half-saiyan crossed his legs and began to clear his mind. The only noise came from the rushing waterfall. He brought the air in through his nose, letting it hold it in his lungs. _Eight, nine, ten. _The cycle continued over and over. Gohan was beginning to block out his surroundings when a familiar energy appeared behind him.

"I thought I'd find you here."


	2. The Green Skinned Man

Gohan's eyes fluttered open as he turned around. The green skinned man smirked.

"It's been a while kid."

During the past five years the two had seen each other a handful of times. Each visit, however, was initiated by Gohan. Piccolo was not one to stop by uninvited. He lived a solitary life out of choice. It was something Gohan had not understood in the past.

"Piccolo?" The Namekian took a seat next to Gohan.

"Meditation, huh? Wonder where you got that from." A genuine smile fell across Gohan's lips.

"It helps."

"Helps what?" Gohan stared back at the holes in the grass.

"Helps me breathe I guess." Typically this was true but today proved differently. Meditation was not pushing his emotion away. Every time he would calm his mind the memories would return. Even the good ones made him angry. Picturing their time together only made Gohan miss his father more.

"How are you holding up?"

"What do you mean?" Gohan would not make eye contact.

Piccolo raised an eyebrow. He was not letting the half-saiyan off that easy.

"I'm fine."

"Right." When it came to Gohan, there was no fooling Piccolo.

The demi-saiyan and the alien who trained him sat quietly, a breeze rustling the grass around them. Silence was a common occurrence around Piccolo but this one was tense. Typically the man did not want conversation but in this moment he was waiting for it.

"I'm okay Piccolo, really."

"For some reason I have a difficult time believing that. It's not like you to leave your family."

" You're not the only one allowed to be alone you know. You don't have a claim on solitude." The words were harder than he intended them to be.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It'll do you some good. Your father is dead Gohan, you're allowed to be upset." The truth to Piccolo's words did not hurt as much as Gohan had expected them to. After five years, no one had said them out loud. _Your father is dead. _It had been Piccolo who gave him the news a decade ago when Raditz came to Earth and the Saiyans were on their way. The Namekian had not sugarcoated the reality of the situation. Again he was here, allowing the information to be real.

But this time was different. Gohan had been there. His father had died right in front of him because of Gohan's mistake. He couldn't let anything like that happen anymore. The power he held inside was too dangerous to ever let it escape again. With the blood of a Saiyan, emotion and power went hand in hand. Letting emotions loose meant a loss of control. There was no telling what would come of that.

"I'm fine."

"You're not Gohan. You're angry and that's not going to change unless you do something about it."

"I am doing something about it."

"Pushing emotion away is not taking care of it. You need a release."

He was one to talk.

The half-Saiyan felt his steady breathing waver and clenched his jaw. "The last time I did that-"

" You saved the planet. Now enough." Sympathy was not Piccolo's strong point. He stood and folded his arms impatiently.

More silence followed. For anyone else Piccolo's advice would have been spot on but Gohan knew he was different. It was safer for the boy to keep to himself. If anyone was going to understand that it should have been Piccolo. As the first to teach Gohan to harness his power, he had to know how dangerous it could be. Even at a young age Gohan's power was unpredictable. Since then he had grown stronger, even after he defeated Cell. Why was Piccolo pushing him? He knew what could happen.

"Look I'm not pushing you to destroy anything. I just don't think it's good for you to keep acting like nothing happened."

Pretending nothing was out of the ordinary was Gohan's plan. Pretending nothing had happened was impossible. He woke up every morning with the knowledge that Goku would not be in his life. Every time he saw Goten it was impossible not to remember their father. They were so alike, so happy and positive. Without Goku, it was Gohan's job to keep his father's personality alive. Goku would not have stayed upset. He would have continued on.

"You don't understand." Piccolo did not have a family. How could he know what was going through Gohan's mind? "Mom and Goten, they lost someone too. I need to take care of them. Dad would have wanted me to-"

"You're not expected to take his place!"

Gohan stood, looking the Namekian in the eye. "'Take care of your mother for me. She needs you.' That's what he told me Piccolo, that was the only thing he asked me to do. And now we have Goten and he needs me just as much as mom. It's my fault, it's my burden. I don't mind. It's what I have to do. My brother is four years old and he has never known his father! That's not right, it's just not. So yes, I will try to take that place. Because I have to. Because no one else will. Isn't that what you felt with me? It was your fault when he died the first time. You didn't mean it to be, but it was. You can't tell me you didn't feel a little responsible for my loss. So you took me and you did everything he was supposed to. And then he came back. But not this time. He is gone forever so I'm helping Goten. Because I'm the reason he is alone. And I'm the only male he has left."

As the words flew out, Gohan found his fists clenched once again. The raw skin on his palms opened but his nails stayed buried into them. His body was unintentionally closer to Piccolo's. Anger was what the Namekian had wanted. Anger was what he was going to get.


	3. Goku's Son

A/N Thank you so so much to everyone who has reviewed/favorited/read. It means a lot. Keep the reviews coming! I would love to hear what you have to say. This chapter is short and took me a while to write, but here it is! Thanks again!

Though he was glad Gohan was finally being honest, Piccolo spoke to him cautiously. The boy needed a release but pushing him too far could be dangerous for the both of them.

"Goten is just a child Gohan. _You're_ just a child. Goku never intended for you to put this much pressure on yourself."

"You don't get it! I wouldn't expect you to get it."

"My lack of family does not equal a lack of people I care about. You being one of them. Now stop blaming yourself for this."

He couldn't. Gohan knew the truth and while the fault was not entirely his, he couldn't help how he felt. Now he had let the emotion out and it wasn't going away. This was what he had warned Piccolo about. The young half-saiyan tried to control himself. His breathes were short and hard. A wind grew around him. He knew he needed to calm down but his body wasn't listening. Emotion flooded his core and soared to his limbs. His power level began rising until the energy inside of him escaped. The moment it burst out of him he was encased in a yellow light. What could almost be flames surfaced with his emotion, growing taller than the boy. His features were lighter. The Earth shook. Anger was what controlled him now. Anger at himself and his father. The Namekian did not move.

"It's my own god damn fault! I know it is! You can't keep making excuses for me! If I hadn't been so selfish none of this would have happened! My mother is heartbroken and it's because of me. Everyone was effected and it's my fault."

"Gohan-"

"No, listen! It's my fault! I should be the one gone, not him. I just stood there and watched. He told me he was proud of me! For what? For ending his life? For further endangering everyone I love? One mistake Piccolo, that's all it took. I was too angry. Do you see what happens when I let my emotions run free like that? Nothing good ever comes of it! He's dead Piccolo. Dead. Gone. I had one shot and I blew it. I could have killed cell earlier but I didn't! I was cocky. I was wrong. "

"Fine!" The man's voice was raised as well. "You made a mistake and paid the price. Now stop this pity party! You want to take his place, fine. Then act like it. You said it yourself, Goku would have moved on."

"He would have taken responsibility for his actions."

"It's very clear that that's what you're trying to do but acting like a child is not going to help your family."

"You told me to be angry!"

"At your situation! Self directed anger will get you nowhere."

"My father didn't leave me because he wanted to, he left because he had to. I drove him away. He left me! I'm the reason he's gone. I'm the reason he's dead."

"There is more than guilt inside of you. You may very well be responsible for what happened to Goku but he is the one who chose not to come back. It's okay to be angry with him."

Was it? Gohan had idolized his father. Though Goku's actions had confused him before, he never questioned them. If he started to now, what did that mean? Doubting his father had made the right choice meant the man he looked up to was wrong. Everyone made mistakes but it was difficult to admit. How Goku's absence could benefit anyone, the demi-saiyan would never understand. Without him, it was all up to Gohan.

His new father figure continued. "Your fathers sacrifice was not without consequence, he was very aware of that. And although you defeated cell, the pressure he placed on you was great." Piccolo struggled to keep his own head level. The situation Goku had placed his son in was not fair. How had Gohan kept so calm all of these years? "Let yourself be angry at him. Anyone else would be."

But Gohan was not 'anyone else.' He was Goku's son. He had tried to give his father the benefit of the doubt, but his sayian blood was not going to let that happen.

"Why didn't he want to come back?" The words surprised Gohan. They had risen up inside of him and forced their way out. Once they had appeared, it was difficult to stop. "I told him I still needed him. I told him. And he still left. He thought I could do it but I couldn't!"

The Namekian smirked. There it was. Five years of anger finally being realized. The boy was finally acting like himself again.


	4. Breakdown

A/N After a very long period of absence I have decided to return to fanfiction. Thank you to everyone who has stayed with me this whole time and to those who are reading my story for the first time. I appreciate all of you so much. It's been a while since I have written with these characters. Hopefully I've done them justice.

There was no turning back. Once the half-saiyan's emotions took over there was no gaining control. The now blond boy was seething with anger and power. The ground beneath him cracked, kicking up bits of rock into the wind surrounding him. The Namekian stood to the boy's side, just out of reach of the pulsating energy.

"He left me!" Gohan's voice was loud and controlled.

"He did Gohan. He left you. But your father was not the type of man who would leave if he didn't think you could handle yourself!" Piccolo was shouting over the air current surrounding the demi -saiyan.

"He was always optimistic. Too optimistic sometimes. He assumed everything would be okay! He assumed there wouldn't be trouble. Why couldn't he think realistically**? **All he had ever considered was my physical strength! I can handle myself in battle without him but why did he think it was okay to put me through this? Did he not think about what I felt?"

The words fell out of him like vomit. Everything he had been thinking, every thought he had pushed away, was being realized. Piccolo stayed silent. There was nothing to say. Gohan was right about everything. Goku's ever present optimism was his greatest attribute and also his greatest weakness. Sometimes his consideration for all of humanity made him overlook his son. A great quality in a hero. Not such a great quality for a father.

"It's my fault he died but he was the one who decided to leave! He left me. He left all of us! Goten doesn't have a father. Mom is heartbroken."

He turned his head upward and began shouting at the sky.

""What am I supposed to do? I can't do this without you. I need your help. Every time you left you came back! I would wait and I would hope and you always came back. But this time you're gone. Why did you leave us? I'm alone! I need you!"

For a moment there were no words. Gohan's emotions were too strong for words. Instead, the half-saiyan shrieked. With one continuous breath of air he yelled until he was hoarse.

All at once the light around him went out. He fell to his knees and his dark features returned. His palms lay flat on the ground, his body shaking, his breathing heavy.

Piccolo approached the boy and placed a slow hand on his back.

"I'm sorry Gohan."

It was the first time someone said that to him without pity. Piccolo was not feeling sorry for the child who would continue on without a dad. He was genuinely apologizing for the loneliness his friend felt.

It took the demi-saiyan a while before he could speak again.

" He's gone. He's really gone and he's not coming back."

Gohan sat up and lifted his head, tears brimming in his eyes. "I miss him…"

The Namekian smirked. "I know kid. We all do."

The tears were flowing freely now. This was a much different release than the screaming. There was power in shouting, but crying made him vulnerable, something he hadn't let himself be in a long time. It was only now that he realized he was scared. Mixed in with the other emotions of that tragic event was fear. He felt like he was five again, terrified of doing anything without his dad.

"Piccolo, I don't know if I can keep doing this alone."

The Namekian crouched beside him, the comforting hand still lingering on his back. He swallowed. Comfort was not something he typically provided but Gohan had always been the exception to the rule. Awful as he felt he was at it, he would try. "Don't Place so much pressure on yourself kid. No one ever said you had to do this alone."

"No one talks about it, Piccolo. They don't bring it up. They act like nothing ever happened." Everyone in Gohan's life was hesitant to bring up Goku. They acted as if the half-saiyan had forgotten about his father and speaking of him would only be a painful reminder. Did they think not talking about it would just make it go away?

"My mother... I can tell she's trying not to think about him. She thinks I don't notice when she pastes a fake smile on her face. But when she's alone in her room and doesn't know I'm awake, that's when she lets herself cry. And I can't do anything about it. I can't fix it."

Piccolo helped him stand up. "Emotions do not exist to be fixed. They exist to remind you of the past. To fill you with motivation."

Of all people, Gohan could not bear to see his mother upset. He had been the one to tell her what had happened to her husband. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done. Simply forcing a smile on his face had been hard enough. How do you tell your mother that her husband has died? Goku's push and pull with death had caused her so much grief throughout the years. He would be dead, alive, hurt, dead again. It seemed like a never ending cycle to both of them. Chichi had said nothing when she received the news. She had gently lowered herself to the floor and collapsed into tears. Gohan had tried to stay positive. "This is the way he wanted it. He told me so himself." The pain in her eyes was something he often tried to forget.

The next morning he had expected her to stay in bed as any grieving widow would. Instead, he woke up to the smells of a warm breakfast. Eventually, Goten gave her a way to busy herself. After he was born her smiles seemed genuine again. Still, Gohan could tell she was hurting. They all were.

The half-sayian had left in such a hurry this morning. It was time now to face his responsibilities and go back. His mother was hurting and that was all that mattered now. Goku's words still rang in his head. _Take care of your mother for me. She needs you._


End file.
